I Agree With Augie

So, who else saw the movie, Role Models?

There are so many great scenes in that movie I could watch it over and over and still laugh my ass off.

The scene in the beginning with Danny at the fake Starbucks is classic.

"Venti is a large coffee."
"No, venti is twenty. Large is large. Tall is large. Grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations. You're stupid in three languages."

There were all kinds of moments like that in that movie, but one that I started thinking about yesterday was a line by Augie (played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse who also played McLovin in Superbad and Red Mist/The Motherfucker in the Kick-Ass movies).

Danny asks Augie if he likes Coca Cola. His reply: "I like the idea of it more than I actually like it."

It occurred to me yesterday that I've developed the same kind of affection for fast food.

I miss it, but I don't. I have no desire to eat it, yet I feel drawn to it.

I think there are two reasons for this:

First, it was a part of my life for a loooooong time. It was comforting and it tasted good. Of course I'm going to miss it to a degree.

The second, and much bigger reason, I believe to be purely cultural.

Having to shun these places and their food equates to a partial removal from popular culture.

Think about it: 60% of all breakfasts in America that are eaten outside the home are eaten at McDonald's.

Nearly everyone in the United States visits a McDonald's at least once a month. Over 80% eat there once a week.

If you want to get technical, I still count toward that figure because I do buy an unsweetened iced tea to drink while my son eats his FrankenNuggets.

But watching people eating Big Macs or going to Subway or KFC does make me a bit jealous.

I flat out don't want that food anymore. I don't crave it, I don't brood over watching my son eat it, I don't argue with myself over snagging a fry anymore. It's a non-issue.

And yet I miss it.

Because it connects me to my culture and right now I feel very disconnected.

You know what else I feel, though? I feel comfortable sitting in any booth in any restaurant, including McDonald's.

I feel light.

I feel awake.

I feel GOOD for the first time in years.

There are other ways to connect with my culture.

Movies, TV, music, even sit-down restaurants that offer reasonable choices like roasted chicken, broiled fish or steak.

All of these things present opportunities to stay connected.

I've definitely met people who don't like McDonald's and NEVER eat there.

Ditto Subway, KFC, BK and Taco Hell.

So if they don't need to eat that crap to maintain a sense of cultural identity, why would I?

And why would you?

The answer is simple: I don't and you don't. What we need is to be well.

BTW, it was Role Models that taught me that a Starbucks Venti is so named because it's 20 ounces. "Venti! TWENTY!" Thanks, Beth!

Have I Mentioned How Much I LOVE Huffington Post? *RECIPE ALERT*

Here's yet another reason why.

Just to give you the Reader's Digest version, the article goes into the reasons why we love foods that are horrible for us. Some of these things are obvious, some will really make you think.

When I think about all these things, I have to admit that I was already cognizant of a LOT of these reasons, even if they weren't all MY reasons.

Also, check out the slideshow beneath the article. It's all about the Fake Food we know and love.

Oh, and I've decided to stop buying spaghetti sauce after reading this. Time to start making my own again, and now that crockpot season is upon us, it should be easy to make home-made sauce for my home-made meatballs.

My friends from Key Hypnosis will likely wonder why because Julie has, during sessions, actually condoned using prepared spaghetti sauce, but why take in more sugar than we need to when making sauce is as simple as this? Here's all you need to do:

Single-serving (for up to 1 lb of meatballs or about 6-8 sausages)

1 large can Hunts crushed tomatoes
1 can Hunts tomato paste
1 T olive oil
1 cup chopped onion, caramelized w/ the olive oil
4 cloves garlic, chopped or pressed and carmelized
Fresh basil, parsley and oregano to taste

Crock pot on low for 8-10 hours will do ya.

If you like a sweeter sauce, don't add sugar. Add two whole carrots and remove them when the sauce is cooked (or use a hand mixer and blend them in for an extra-sweet sauce).

If the sauce is too acidic, don't sugar it for that either. Add 1/2 teaspoon to a teaspoon of baking soda to neutralize it. That way you taste the tomato, not acidy sugar.

BTW, acid won't be a problem if you use Hunts tomatoes since they are naturally steamed and are just plain superior quality to virtually any other brand out there.

Oh, hell, here's the meatball recipe, too. Note that I DO add a little breadcrumb and cheese since those things AND ONLY THOSE THINGS are considered allowable fillers on the Key program. Eggs count as a protein so adding them only fortifies the dish.

For each pound of ground beef, add:

1 T breadcrumb,
1 t grated parmesan cheese
1 egg
Salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion salt and italian herbs to taste

Cook them in the oven for half an hour at 350, then add them to the sauce to slow cook.

That Awkward Moment

I'm not sure why this happens or what triggers it...

But sometimes I just crave things.

It's not an overwhelming, driving need like before, but these thoughts just leap in there.

My son brought home cornbread from Boston Market the other night. It's still sitting on the kitchen table.

A few minutes ago I saw a stick of butter sitting on the counter and all I wanted to do in that moment was slather some onto that cornbread and...

For heaven's sake, it's been FIVE MONTHS.

These thoughts exit as fast as they enter but sometimes I just have to wonder... IF the timing were right and I was at a particular point of vulnerability, would I do it?

I've been able to say no to all that stuff for five months, even when no one is looking.

But those awkward moments when the cravings kick in can be torture.

Julie Kibe teaches about slapping away the cravings, and it works...

...when you've been hypnotized to do it.

But what about those who haven't been?

What about those who are completely on their own?

Okay, here's my response to that...

Simply put, how hard have you been working to take off the weight?

What have you accomplished?

How do you feel?

That cornbread (not so much the butter, strangely enough) represents failure.

It represents illness.

It represents a short and uncomfortable life.

Worst of all, it represents failure...

...IF I eat it.

If I walk past it and say, "No!" it represents the polar opposites of those things.

It represents wellness.

It represents good health.

It represents victory.

You know, I've had my fill of failure.

I've had my fill of carrying around a refrigerator on my back.

I've had enough of being too tired to walk around a theme park with my kid.

So why, in the name of all that is decent and holy, would I give in to a piece of cornbread?

Cornbread? Please...

But, really, apply anything you want to that logic: ice cream, pastry, pasta, candy...

Speaking of theme parks...

This Saturday I will once again find myself in the land of funnel cakes and soft serve and I will say, "No!" to all of it again. Why? Because I want to be well.

How badly do YOU want to be well?

More to the point, do you want to be well more than you want to succumb to a craving?

Some people don't.

Most don't.

Those who do can figure out a way to slap away the cravings.

Saying, "No!" is easier than you might think.

Just for today, commit to it.

Tomorrow, you'll have to make that decision again, and yes, it sucks.

The good news is that you get to feel that rush of victory every single day when you make it.

And every day it feels better.

Every day you feel better.

And it gets easier.

It's never easy...

...but it gets easier the more times you do it.

The "Fake Food" Trap

As part of my weight loss journey, Julie Kibe has stressed the importance of not consuming what she calls "fake food."

It's not difficult to gauge what this entails.

If you are low-carb dieting and are congratulating yourself on your superior sense of restraint and yet don't seem to be losing weight as fast as you could or feel you should, let me ask you a few questions.

1. How many meals per week do you prepare from scratch? The simple fact of the matter is that if you know what's going into what you're eating, chances are you will have a better gauge of how much protein-to-carb content there is in your food.

2. How often do you eat at restaurants? The best way to combat issues with fake food is to select an entree that you can use to identify the protein source. A strip steak is usually a good bet. Chopped steak? It all depends on how much actual beef is in it. Roasted chicken is usually a better bet than chicken breast filet. Ask if it's fresh or pre-packaged and pre-portioned. The latter means fillers and preservatives. It should look like it came off a chicken, not a conveyor.

3. Seriously, do you even KNOW what you're putting in your mouth half the time? Most people are aware that prepared ground beef or pork products like meat loaf, meat balls, pre-formed sausages (not in natural casing), etc. all incorporate soy as a filler. The soy mimics the texture of the meat so well that it is virtually undetectable.

Now, some programs (like mine) discourage reading labels. However, if you haven't been hypnotized and programmed to eat certain foods a certain way it might not be a bad idea to know what's in your food before you eat it.

And, sorry Julie, I still read labels.

The reason for this is simple: my diet calls for meat and vegetables. Period. Not meat, soy fillers, high percentages of bread, cheese and preservatives like you find in most italian-style formed meat products like meatloaf and meatballs. And while I've been told not to read labels, I've also been told not to eat soy or "fake food."

So how do I follow both of these rules?

The answer is simple: I can't. No one can.

That's where it becomes necessary to err on the side of greatest benefit as opposed to that of greatest convenience.

I would rather be informed and thin than be blissfully unaware and fat. It's just that simple.

So, until someone can show me an effective way to keep both rules, I have to break one of them in order to adhere to the other.

So I choose to know what I'm eating.

Now for a few ways you can do things right and keep the pounds disappearing.

(and just so you can be convinced that I know what I'm doing, I've lost seven inches off my waist in under five months, I've gone down two full casual shirt sizes, THREE dress shirt sizes, and everything from my feet to my fingers to my face is shrinking AND IT ISN'T STOPPING... I estimate my weight loss at this point to be somewhere between 85 and 110 pounds, give or take)

1. Eat carbs correctly. Wait, what? Eat carbs? Well, yes. Just understand that there is a right way and a wrong way to incorporate them. Bread and starch that is incorporated into a protein will pass much easier than say... battered fish. Fish good, batter bad. And don't think you can just remove the batter and be done with it That slick, gluten-laced, carb-saturated layer that remains will do every bit as much damage as the batter itself. Don't give it a chance to get absorbed. Hide it (in SMALL AMOUNTS) in your protein - not WITH it, IN it. This leads nicely into my next point...

2. It's called LOW carb, not NO carb. It isn't always a bad idea to incorporate a little breadcrumb into meatloaf or meatballs. In fact, Julie recommends doing so in small amounts. Don't think you can't have steak sauce or ketchup or mayo. Just use them responsibly. Ditto with the dairy. Yes, there are carbs in milk. There is also calcium and vitamin D and other things your body needs so use it responsibly as well. Put a little cheese in your chili, but just a LITTLE. If they forget to leave the cheese off your burger at Dead Robin, give yourself a treat and watch the fat for the rest of the day.

3. Enjoy yourself. If you obsess too much over what you can't have you could trick yourself into a plateau or even start gaining. Be happy with your diet. Enjoy what you eat. Pumpkin everything will return next year right on schedule. Do you want to enjoy it then? Then do what you have to now and do it with the right attitude.

And, by the way, you can have pumpkin right now. You just can't sweeten it. You know what works as a great substitute, too? Butternut squash. It's going to be my side of choice at Thanksgiving this year. Hold the brown sugar and add a little butter and salt. It's sweet and delicious and it won't keep you fat OR send you diving off the wagon if you've successfully kicked the sugar.

Menu ideas and recipes for the holidays are coming soon so keep your eyes peeled (along with your turnips, eggplants and squashes).

Dear Mr. Judgmental

Dear Sir,

I couldn't help but notice just how fixated you were on me at Popeye's today.

I couldn't help noticing the "tsk, tsk" and the ever so slight head-shake you gave me as I gave my order.

I know what you were thinking: "Poor guy. He's just determined to be fat. It's such a shame."

I'll bet you didn't even know I saw.

Hell, I'll bet you didn't even know you were doing it.

Because, for people like you, that sort of thinking is so ingrained that it shows itself on your face automatically.

But before you judge me too harshly, maybe you should take a few things into account.

One, you don't know me. You don't know what my issues are and you do not know what has placed me in line at this grease pit at this moment in my life.

Two, you had to notice that there were two of us standing there: myself and my son. You should have also noticed that only one meal was ordered. You should have also noticed that I sat there watching while my son had is lunch.

Maybe you think I'm an irresponsible parent for feeding my kid that junk.

Well, maybe you're right.

My bad habits did rub off on him and I'm working to fix that.

But have you ever tried changing an Autistic person's routine overnight?

It just doesn't work.

So I have to exercise a little give and take with my son. He simply doesn't eat this well at home.

And here are a few more things you don't know but should:

First, It's been nearly five months since I've eaten anything fried, breaded or sweet.

That means that there is nothing on this menu I could eat if I even wanted to.

I would LOVE to see you go that long.

I would love to see how you deal with the holidays this year when so many of our traditions revolve around food; so many reminders of people that aren't with us anymore are marked by things we set on the table.

How would YOU deal with not being allowed to have ANY of them?

Because that's me this year. I've made the choice to be well and that means saying, "no" to a lot of things.

Second, I fully acknowledge that this body you see before you is indicative of a problem.

I've gotten help for that problem and now it is going away. Slowly. Most problems don't vanish overnight.

Finally, as you continue to peek up from your fried mess of a meal to gawk at me, you should know that just a month or so ago I didn't fit in this booth but now I do.

So, before you point fingers at someone and judge them for what you think you're seeing happening, you might want to step back for a moment.

Because, kind sir, you are eating here too, and it is no more a healthy option for you than it is for anyone else. Look at me. I've ten years on you if I have a day. I may well represent your future.

Reflections From a Booth at McDonald's

I'm Sitting here at McDonald's working while my car is in the shop.

I need a break from writing other people's copy at the moment so I'm writing to you.

You who are struggling with your weight.

You who want to change and feel better.

You who can't see the way to steer clear of that fucking drive-thru.

Believe me, I get it.

The night I started this diet I literally broke down and CRIED because I just didn't know how I would live without Big Macs and fries.

I couldn't imagine a life without the occasional Payday bar and Ring Ding chaser.

I couldn't bear the thought of watching a movie without downing half a bucket of popcorn and sucking on Sour Patch Kids.

It scared me. I felt like I was breaking up with a lover. And honestly, I was. I was having an affair with food that was KILLING my relationships, not the least of which was the one with my wife.

Can I be completely transparent for a moment?

My affair with food made sex less than wonderful for me. It made it unbearable (quite literally) for my wife.

I had gotten so huge that it was just impossible for either of us to enjoy it.

And yet, that first night, I wept for the loss of that lover - the one who got between us and soured what we had together. I wept for the loss of THAT.

So when you feel that compulsion to steer into the drive-thru, believe me, I get it. I sacrificed a LOT to perpetuate that affair.

So, back to today...

The smell of the burgers they're making right now (it's the switch between breakfast and lunch) is like the stink of death.

I am seriously sitting here harboring resentment for just how badly this stuff once hurt me.

I can't even LOOK at McDonald's food anymore without disgust.

I do take a lot of the responsibility for what happened to me because, well, I have free will and never once "had to" steer into that drive-thru.

But I don't think anyone will argue that this food does have a certain draw. The carbs and sugar do create an addictive feeling.

I pray for the day when my son stops wanting to eat here because he's being served such great food at home but I know that I walked him through that door the first time. I gave him that taste for this poison and the addiction is hard to break.

Whenever I start feeling like I miss Big Macs and fries I simply remind myself that the last time I had one I couldn't fit in the booth I'm sitting in now, I was angry, I felt awful all the time and I wasn't getting laid...

...and it all falls right back into proper perspective.

And, just to make sure you know there's a happy ending to the above story, I have managed to not only turn back the clock on my weight, but also on my marriage.

Issues and problems that existed there five months ago simply don't anymore.

I am thankful and I am blessed.

And I'm also out of this death pit now - the car is done and so is this post. Time to go get some REAL FOOD!!! :-)

When it Feels Like Nothing is Happening

I have a confession to make to all the folks who have asked for yet another picture of my progress in the last few days.

I haven't taken any more because I just don't look that much different. Things are kind of at a stand-still.

At least outwardly.

This goes along with my last post about how looks can be deceiving. It's true, because I'm still losing weight and I know it.

The problem is that when I see myself in mirrors and the image doesn't appear to be changing anymore, I have no motivation to keep snapping pictures.

the reality of it, though, is that I still do see changes. I FEEL changes. They're happening, just not in ways I can put on display.

Yeah, things have slowed down considerably, but that doesn't mean they've come to a halt.

I'm at the point where I'm probably going to have to fight a little harder and do a little more to keep things moving faster.

This weekend in Maine will be good for that.

So that's my confession: I haven't shared any more pictures because there's really not much to see and I don't want anyone put in a position where they feel they need to be "polite" and comment on the emperor's new clothes.

But please remain encouraged. I am. I know that I'm losing, I know where and I know how.

It is still happening.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

So lately I've been struggling.

Yes, I hate to burst your bubble but this isn't all wine and roses.

In fact, I'm not allowed to drink wine.

I discovered early on in this journey that my body was going to lose the weight how and where it wants to.

This is small consolation when: a) it doesn't feel like anything is happening anymore,  b) you're not losing it where you want to and c) you're not allowed on a fucking scale to gauge your progress.

I find a few things to be a bit ridiculous about the program I'm on but I follow them because either you're all in on this or you're out, mentally and emotionally speaking.

I know I'm still losing. It's obvious. It's just more subtle than it was three months ago.

I'm just not losing where I WANT TO and I'm not losing evenly.

The gut is still huge.

Huge enough to keep me off the roller coasters.

And yet I have a 40 waist.

Which I haven't had since college.

I could ride roller coasters when I was in college.

But here's the thing: I also don't have to request tables at restaurants anymore for not being able to fit in a booth.

I can eat in a restaurant comfortably, but no roller coasters.

And it's all about the damned belly.

I look great otherwise.

This, however, is going to take its sweet time.

So what's the message here?

This road is not always going to be easy.

It requires a level of patience most don't possess.

So what it boils down to is: am I willing to wait for it?

More to the point, am I more willing to wait for it than I am willing to throw my hands up in the air and say, "Oh well! I tried!"

The simple answer is that the belly will go eventually.

And it will be a momentous event.

It's just not going to be today.

So... just for today, I choose to stay the course.

Just for today, I choose to eat right.

Just for today, I choose to be satisfied with my progress thus far.

Just for today, I'm not going to quit.

I'll get up tomorrow and make all those decisions again.

But I'll worry about making them then.