Is it Possible to "Cheat" While on Maintenance?

I'll give you the short answer: yes. It totally is.

So I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I haven't because I've made a couple concessions along the way and here is what I'm learning.

1. The suggestions are still in there and still doing their jobs. I know this because of how I react when I realize that I've let a food back in that could unravel everything.

2. The examples of this have been few but the alarms have gone off immediately. The first issue I discovered was with chips. I stupidly allowed myself, several times, to have some potato chips or Fritos - and by "some" I mean I had three potato chips and I had five Fritos each time it happened (and that was a total of 4 times combined). Yes, I counted them.

It was obvious, though, that I had to start saying no to these things again. Why? Because I realized that I was beginning to develop a "need" for them again - one that "completed" my meal. The second time I had potato chips I also realized that I wasn't eating because I was hungry, I was eating because I wanted potato chips so I was building up a protein foundation to accommodate the carbs.

So the potato chips are out. Again. Ditto the Fritos because, well, they're an accomplice. An accessory after the fact.

The thing is, it doesn't bother me. The suggestions are still in there and saying no is just second nature.

3. The other thing I've had to be careful of is portioning. The first time I had carbs at the Chinese buffet it was less than a quarter cup of soba noodles and two pieces of Maki roll. That quickly increased to four pieces and a wonton.

Now, at four pieces of Maki roll and a wonton I'm probably still not taking in too many carbs, but I did manage to double the amount of carb I was eating in one meal and it only took two weeks (not even) to get comfortable with the idea. So now we're back to keeping a close eye on those things, not making bargains or excuses, and just eating them in amounts I don't have to question myself over.

Again, I'm not finding it difficult.

Maintenance is going to be a much more complicated process than being in the river but if you're getting close to being where I am, learn from the little mistakes I'm making and realize how easy it is to slip back into old habits.

Maintenance - It's Time

This past Wednesday my doctor said something to me that no doctor I've ever seen has ever said to me before.

I was told that I do not have to lose weight anymore. I'm in a good place in terms of height to weight ratio. I need to focus more on exercise and maintain a diet conducive to STAYING at the weight I am.

"You are almost literally half the man you used to be."

Translation: I'm probably about 185 pounds right now, give or take. That's the number that's going on any document that asks for my weight. It's a good guess.

All of this means I'm officially in maintenance now. I have stepped out of the river and can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I'm here. I crossed the finish line. I finished what I started and I am very proud of my accomplishment.

Now comes the part where I do anything and everything to not fuck it up.

So here's what I've been doing this week:

1. I have carbs with one meal each day, either lunch or dinner, never breakfast.

2. I have stopped obsessing over whether there are croutons on my salad or if there's a thin crust of breadcrumb on the casserole. I don't COOK that way, but I don't shun these things at social gatherings or in restaurants.

3. I am NOT limiting my carb intake to just potatoes. I think people mishear Julie on this point. I'm adhering firmly to the concept of "everything with a hunk of meat." I build a good protein foundation before taking in anything with carbs.

4. I have had the privilege of enjoying rice, croutons, baked steak fries, popcorn and cornbread, all in small amounts, just enough to satisfy and probably below the recommended 15 grams of carbs my body can use.  What's small? 1/4 cup of rice or soba noodles (approximately - I still don't measure, just guesstimate), two handfuls of popcorn (maybe a cup and a half), 1 small cornbread muffin (not four), and a grand total of 5 fries (about 1/3 of a baked potato). That's small.

Now for a bit of advice for people looking to re-incorporate some carbs.

1. I still don't eat anything sweet but I will eventually allow myself some fruit. In season.

2. No desserts. That's a slippery slope. On rare, very special occasions I might allow myself an indulgence but not today. I have plans to enjoy certain treats when they are available and all of them share the distinction of being associated with holidays or vacations - things I can enjoy ONCE and leave behind until next year. There will be no more half-gallons of ice cream in the freezer, no oreo cookies, no anything that got me to the point where visiting Julie became necessary. But I will snag a piece of Liam's funnel cake at Knoebels next summer. Provided I'm not back in the river at that point.

3. I still have to think about what I'm eating and how I'm eating it. Maintenance is not a free-for-all. I still keep the protein intake higher than the veggie intake and I increase the protein if I'm going to have carbs.

4. I'm keeping close tabs on how my clothes feel and will dive back into the river IMMEDIATELY if I start gaining in excess. As of right now, my metabolism is so confused I'm actually continuing to lose. Rapidly, I might add. But my body will catch up with my diet shortly.

5. I remain firmly resolved that certain foods will just never cross these lips again. Foods like candy bars, packaged cakes or any kind of sweet with no nutritional value. Again, a slippery slope. That's not diet thinking, that's quality of life thinking. I used that shit as a coping mechanism. I'm learning better ways. I will admit that I am going to miss sour patch kids and swedish fish. That said, given the quantities of those "foods" I used to eat in a single sitting it's a wonder I wasn't 665 pounds.

6. When you finally get out of the river, the temptation to indulge will be there but if you've been doing this right all along and haven't allowed yourself the occasional cheat, it shouldn't be overwhelming. If you have stumbled a bit along the way, I recommend doing a refresher and starting maintenance the next day. I never cheated, hence my transition was pretty smooth.

So that's pretty much it. If you have questions, ask them and above all don't be envious if you're still in the river. Your time is coming. You should also know that being in the river is the easy part. I have a lot more to think about and consider now and so will you so enjoy the simplicity the river affords your diet.

Maintenance

I stepped out of the shower the other day and looked at my battle-scarred, far-from-perfect body in the mirror.

And for all the self-congratulatory stuff I post about my weight loss, I have been VERY critical of my own accomplishment because things just don't look right when I'm nekkid.

Now, when I put some clothes on I'm constantly amazed and impressed. I love my chiseled facial features and I love that I've maintained my broad shoulders (they're just not puffy anymore and my arms fall straight). The belly fat is still a thing...sort of. Most of what's left is excess skin and the effects of decades of abuse.

So the other day I tried an experiment.

I stood in front of the mirror naked and sucked in the belly as much as I could. The difference was clear but it didn't look natural.

Then I tried the same thing with clothes on and here's what I discovered.

I didn't look different at all. My frame looked exactly the same when I sucked it in while wearing clothes.

Now... could I stand to still lose a few pounds? The jury's out on that one. Personally, I think that I've gone as far with this as I can with weight loss.

Now, if I want to look good naked, I'm going to have to work at it.

But I reached a decision: I can work at it if I'm in maintenance.

So that's what's going to happen.

I posted this to facebook and since I don't feel much like re-typing it I'm going to just cut and paste:

"So I made a decision. Effective Thanksgiving Day I am going on maintenance. I keep looking at this body and seeing the flaws and thinking that means I need to lose more weight. In reality, I need to get more exercise and I need to target that exercise at toning up my arms, torso and especially midsection. 

I remember when I started this that I said I didn't want to get skinny. Well, I'm getting very BONY in certain areas now and the belly may not be flat but I do not have any semblance of a gut anymore. This tells me that dieting is probably not going to finish the job completely and that it is time to stop losing and start maintaining and toning. I'm keeping at it for a while to acclimate to the idea of introducing a few carbs here and there. 

My religious practices are actually helping with that transition nicely. I've had cookies and bread at 3 ritual events thus far and each time I've noticed a spike in weight loss after. This tells me that a responsible intake of sugar and carbs will likely help me maintain and even keep losing if that's what needs to happen so here's to my first attempt at getting out of the river. 

I chose Thanksgiving because it's a meal that I know is going to be protein-rich and I will be able to introduce a little carbohydrate in the form of some gravy or potato and perhaps a small dessert if I can even up the nerve. I expect this cycle to run through the holidays and then we'll see how tight the pants are. If I notice I've reached a "Sausage 36" by New Year's I'll just jump back in the river and pull things under control again. That's going to be the way of things for the rest of my days and I'm totally OK with that."

Now, I fully expect some of my fellow friends of Julie to look critically at part of that (most notably the word "dessert").

Here's the thing: I doubt I'd have the cojones to even attempt to lift the fork to my mouth if there's pie on it but I have had a couple experiences with sugar and sweet now and it had zero effect on my ability to stay in the river. In fact, it amplified the effects of the diet significantly.

Here are things that I hope will come back eventually:

1. Occasional (once or twice a year) treats that I only have when we visit certain places. I would like to be able to share a funnel cake with my son when we go to Knoebels. I would like to get an ice cream one day during our vacation in Maine. I would like to have some fried clams ONCE during our Maine trip. Note that all these things have one thing in common: they all stay behind.

2. Peanut butter. I miss peanut butter like crazy and I think it would be a reasonable addition to my diet as an occasional treat.

3. Fresh fruit. Sorry, Julie, but you will never convince me that an apple will make me gain weight. I've laid off the fresh fruit while in the river, but all bets are off when I get out. The nutritional benefits far outweigh the detriments. I'm not going to overload on sweet, but if I want an apple (and it's in season - there's the real trick) I'm going to have one. I may not indulge in apple cider, though, since too much of a good thing is still a bad thing.

4. Pizza. But as a side item with a pile of wings and a salad.

5. Beer. I'm not a big boozer but I do enjoy a pint once in a while. So I'll have THAT with a pile of wings too. So there. If you're not a guy you just don't get the stigma surrounding going to a bar and ordering seltzer. Guys drink beer and I feel VERY self-conscious walking around a bar with my glass of fizz.

6. Mixed drinks. Again, I'm not a big boozer so we're going to file this one under "occasional treat."

What isn't coming back? That's a longer list.

• Packaged pastries - sorry, but I can't even...
• Candy bars - don't even get me started on just how much that shit ruined my life.
• Fast food of any kind (not even subway subs without the bread or taco bell taco "meat" - that's just a dangerous and slippery slope)
• Dunkin Donuts - because you can't sling a dead cat in western Massachusetts without hitting one and the draw would be too great if I let those back in at all
• Sugared sodas (that's also a really slippery slope)
• Most kinds of bread and pasta - If I didn't make it I'm not eating it. 
• Prepared pre-packaged meals of any kind - can someone say FAKE FOOD?
• Stand-alone desserts - there will be no more going out for ice cream or anything like. If I have dessert it's going to be after a protein-heavy, carb-light meal. Period.

And yes I can hear the "Aw jeezzzz..." from some of you.

All I can say is, I'll let you know what happens. If it doesn't work I'll know pretty quickly and then I'll just dive back into the river.

Truth be told, I expect maintenance to be basically the same as what I'm doing now occasionally interrupted with a small portion of carb - probably once a day or every couple days. I'm too acclimated to eating this way to revert back to old habits. Those habits nearly killed me.

Now, I just want to be able to live a little, even if it means just once in a while allowing myself a tiny indulgence. I don't think anyone who knows me will disagree that I've damn well earned it.

Checking In

Well, it has been a while.

A few of you have contacted me wondering if I'm "all right."

(and by "all right" I assume you mean "still losing weight").

The answer is yes, regardless of what the question represents. I am definitely still losing weight. It has slowed down considerably but the less you have to lose the slower it disappears.

The simple fact of the matter is that, as a professional copywriter, I need to take care of business before writing for pleasure.

And business has been really, really good. That's why you haven't heard from me.

So here's what's going on now...

Since I posted for my one-year anniversary on The Key program, I revisited a place where I took a particularly notorious picture a couple years ago.

The sad part about that picture is that it didn't even represent me at my biggest. It was close, but not entirely accurate.

So I decided to retake the picture.

I even brought along the shirt I was wearing at the time.

The results speak for themselves.

The place we were at is a little (but very impressive) amusement park in central PA called Knoebels. I've been going there since I was a kid. I started taking my kid when he was five.

I've never been able to ride rides with him.

There are only four rides that I could even think about going on with him before now and even then my size made ALL of them uncomfortable, 

This year we rode everything together. There are rides at Knoebels that, before this year, I had never ridden. 

There were rides that I "outgrew" and had to leave humiliated and ashamed.

That is not a problem anymore. 

We spent two days there and pretty much ran out of time to do everything we wanted to do. 

We rode the HELL out of their roller coasters. We more than outspent the price of our unlimited ride passes on coaster rides alone. 

Next month we're going to Maine and my son and I are going to learn kayaking. 

I'm going to stop in at Acadia Bike and see about getting a couple good used bikes for us to start taking in some of the rail trails around here. 

Still not eating carbs.

Still only eating meat and veggies.
Still haven't cheated. No, not once.

Today is day 421.

Waist size on 5/20/13: 46/48

Shirt size on 5/20/13: 3x/4x

Waist size now: 34/36
Shirt Size now: Large/XL

I've also ditched the orthotic brace. My ankle joint can hold my weight again.

So go ahead and breathe a collective sigh of relief. I'm still here and I'm still at it.

May 20, 2013

One year ago today I started on a journey.

One year ago today it almost ended as quickly as it began.

It was about 5:00 in the evening. I was the first one home after my first session at The Key.

I remember contemplating the three things that I was told:

1. Don't eat anything sweet
2. Don't get on a scale
3. Eat only meat and vegetables, no "fake food."

My first reaction was, "I can't do this. There's no way I can do it."

I was scared. I was angry. I did not go into that room expecting to be put on a diet.

That's a good thing, though, because if I had known I NEVER would have gone there.

I wasn't prepared to be told that I was going to be responsible for what happened next.

I figured, "This is hypnosis. I just won't want certain foods anymore."

But Julie did give me some explicit instructions.

And those instructions involved indefinitely doing without Big Macs.

You know what the funniest part of that is? My initial freakout was over not being allowed to ever eat another Big Mac.

365 days later I can't imagine why I would ever want another one.

That sandwich represents everything that was wrong with my diet.

It represents everything that was wrong with my relationship with food.

It represented an early death.

It represented the irreparable damage done to my ankle from all the excess weight.

And just so we're not picking on just one poor sandwich, the Big Mac was only part of the problem.

On May 19, 2013, I went to party.

At that party, I consumed six slices of pizza.

I ate at least a half-dozen chocolate chip cookies.

I was guzzling Snapple and Orange Crush.

There were other token goodies to be had, too and let me tell you - I had them.

The thing is, that wasn't at all uncommon for me.

It was not at all uncommon for me to swing through the drive thru knowing full well that I'd be having dinner an hour later.

I was eating fast food an average of 10 times a week - every weekday for breakfast and lunch.

That doesn't even include the stops for those massive sodas and mass-produced pastries I would buy at Cumberland Farms.

It also doesn't include the times I would take my son to McDonald's on the weekends.

It doesn't include stops at Roger's for ice cream.

When I think back on how badly I ate, whether at fast food places or from my own damned table (spaghetti, garlic bread, meatballs, a metric fuck-ton of grated cheese and not a vegetable in sight), I honestly have no clue in hell why I'm not dead.

Here's the worst of it: on May 19, 2013, after consuming 6 slices of pizza, a half-dozen cookies, at least 40 ounces of sugared beverages and other assorted goodies, I still managed to reason myself into a stop at Subway AND the adjacent Dunkin Donuts on my way home.

I didn't intentionally binge before my session. THAT WAS JUST HOW I ATE.

I ate because I was in pain.

I was in pain because of how much I ate.

But eating made me feel better.

Until the self-loathing kicked in.

Eating made me happy...

...just long enough to forgot that I was so miserable.

But I remembered just as soon as that last bite was gone.

I honestly do not know where I got the courage to pick up that phone that cold February day and get on the waiting list at The Key.

I don't know where I found the strength to say yes when they called and asked if I was still interested in the program.

I do know what I was doing when they called, though. I was sitting outside Subway eating a footlong Subway Club with Bacon.

I was sitting outside because I didn't fit in any of the booths inside.

So I sat in my car.

I barely fit in my car either.

The steering wheel used to rub against my belly.

On May 20, 2013, I sat in that room and watched a grown woman walk on broken glass without harm.

I heard stories about army men that represented insulin coming out to do battle with the food I was eating.

I was told that "For the next week or until I tell you different, don't let anything sweet touch your lips."

I was told the same thing about getting on a scale.

I was told what I was going to eat. I was told when I was going to eat it (eat when you're hungry, not when you're not).

I was told there would be no peanuts, no avocados, no beans....


no no no no no no no no no

And, in my head, that's what I was saying.

Then something happened.

I went home and collapsed (emotionally).

I grieved the loss of my abusive lover.

I felt the pain of separation from the one thing that brought me any semblance of comfort.

Then I made a decision.

Fuck "for one week or until [she tells] me different." We're taking this one meal at a time.

I remember preparing that meal. I remember resenting how little variety there was on the plate.

But I ate it. And I ate all the meat I wanted with a balanced portion of veggies.

That day, I won.

The next day, I had eggs and bacon for breakfast with a side of spinach where there used to be potatoes.

For lunch, I had the leftovers from dinner.

For dinner, I made a chicken and had some more spinach.

That day, I won again.

By the third day, I had to tighten my belt.

By the third week I no longer had trouble getting up off the couch or off the floor.

By the third month I had gone down two pant sizes. I was able to walk as much as I wanted and was all over Acadia National Park.

I saw things in Maine last year I've never been able to see because my body was just too huge and too cumbersome.

By the sixth month, I celebrated my birthday with a renewed sense of optimism about my future. I was losing so much weight that people were starting to be impressed.

By the ninth month I realized I was shoveling snow without back pain and had enough stamina to clear my entire property all at once without a break.

By the tenth month I was down three shirt sizes and four pant sizes.

By the 11th month I was fit enough to ride roller coasters again.

At the end of 12 months, I still have some weight to lose, but I'm now the same size I was in 10th grade.

The body has taken a beating and it will take some time before it really looks good.

But I'm at least 80% of the way to my goal.

And every single day I've made the choice to keep at this.

800-900 meals later, nothing sweet has touched my lips.

I have not gotten on a scale.

I have not eaten anything besides meat and vegetables.

I don't look at today as the anniversary of starting a diet.

It's the anniversary of my rebirth.

It's the anniversary of the day I snatched my life back from the clutches of death.

It's the anniversary of the day I reclaimed my dignity and my self-esteem.

It's the anniversary of the day I stopped relying on anything external to "feel better."

It's the anniversary of the day I stopped being fat.

It's the anniversary of the day I finally acknowledged my worth and started living like I understood it.

I am unabashedly, unashamedly, and unapologetically proud of myself. What I have accomplished is a big deal.

I am a winner and I've laid my head down at night a winner 365 times so far.

Tomorrow I'm going to get up and win again.

And with every victory I'm closing in on my goal.

It is not far off.

Roller Coasters (And Other Observations)

The last time I remember riding a roller coaster was somewhere around 2003.

That was the last time I was of a reasonable size to ride one and, at Six Flags New England, there were only two in the entire park I could even fit on to ride at that point.

I BARELY fit on them then.

Anything with a shoulder harness has been off limits to me since the late 90s.

The mechanism couldn't clasp over the breadth of my chest.

And as for any other rides, if there was a lap bar, forget it. There was no way that thing was getting over the gut.

So, this year, when I went back to Six Flags with my son, now 14, I had to test the waters.

I now fit on EVERY coaster in that park.

And I've been riding them like crazy since the park opened for this season.

What's even better, my son has gotten over his fear of coasters and rides EVERYTHING with dad now, too.

We used to go to Six Flags and make the entire circuit in two or three hours.

Really, that was all I could stand to walk and I still took frequent breaks to sit and rest.

We had a mapped out system: we would cover the entire park in a specific pattern.

There were only a handful of rides Liam could or would ride at that point anyway.

The goal was to not have to double back and walk the expanse of the park more than once.

I couldn't have possibly carried that body that distance more than once.

And SFNE is a SMALL theme park - tiny in comparison to say, Great Adventure, Busch Gardens, or Disney.

I can also remember, around 2001, chaperoning a trip to Six Flags with our church youth group.

Back then I still had problems fitting on a number of the rides, but what was even worse was the food court.

There was no way I was ever going to fit in those affixed seats and there flat out weren't any of the handicapped seats with pullout chairs like the ones I relied on for years at fast food joints.

So I had to sit sideways while I sat and ate junk food that only exacerbated the problem I was having.

And boy did I get a lot of stares.

A lot of giggles.

A lot of very rude teenagers gawking and making comments.

For years I've walked past that same food court not even DARING to try sitting down. The memory of that day in 2001 is STILL fresh in my mind.

Well, yesterday was a day for both my son and me to conquer a few long-standing fears.

Liam was very nervous about riding a looping coaster.

I've been working on him since last September telling him, "When we come back here in April I'm going to fit on all these rides. When that happens, the tables are going to turn: I'm going to ride rides and you're going to wait. That is, unless you decide to ride with me."

Well, I started inviting him on a couple coasters from opening day at Six Flags and he kept saying, "No thanks."

Until yesterday.

I convinced him to ride his first looping steel coaster: Batman the Dark Knight.

I told him, "You are going to love this ride. I know you are. But, if you don't, I will NEVER bring it up again. You can ride your other rides, I'll ride these and we'll just have to learn to wait for each-other."

It was enough to convince him.

The line was short so we got right on the ride.

Sure enough, he loved it.

We rode it twice.

And we rode two other steel coasters, too.

And a wooden coaster (which he'd been on before - the bone of contention was going upside down, not the nature of a coaster ride).

The thing that I find so important about this is that finally, being the father of a teenager, I can actually DO things with Liam. I'm not bound to taking him places and watching him do things.

Anyway, that was Liam's victory. Let's talk about mine.

I took Liam to get some lunch about halfway through our day.

(we were there six hours total yesterday, by the way, and had walked the expanse of the park about 3 times)

We went to the same food court where a group of very rude teenage boys sat mocking the fat guy behind his back some 13 years ago.

I got his food, flashed his season pass, headed over to one of those tiny tables...

And sat down. Comfortably. There was space between the belly and the table.

The memory of that horrible experience way back when still eats at me but it's memories like that which I believe will keep me from ever doing anything that will put things like roller-coasters and cafeteria tables out of reach for me again.

One more observation...

I've also now seen several overweight people denied a turn on those coasters because they just couldn't make the harness or the seatbelt or the lap bar fit.

I've seen the humiliation on their faces.

I've watched them look longingly as the ride departs and their friends disappear up the conveyor for that first long drop on an exciting coaster ride.

I know precisely what's going through their heads and I know how helpless they feel.

I have had a LOT of help on my journey and, if I could, I would have walked up to each and every one of those people, handed them $600 and a business card from Julie and sent them off to change their lives.

But who knows if they're ready?

I went to Julie when I was ready.

I knew about The Key Hypnosis two years before I ever called.

By the time I called I'd stopped going to Six Flags.

It was too damned frustrating.

But now, it's such a rush going there and experiencing all those great rides with my son.

When those people want it badly enough, that's when they'll make their move.

341 days, zero cheats, countless victories.

(pardon the chrome dome in this picture - it gets windy on those wild rides!)

300

That's the number of days I've been on this low-carb journey.

I have not cheated on the diet once.

Nothing sweet has touched my lips (at least not on purpose).

I have not gotten on a scale (except at the doctor's office).

I can remember Julie saying, "For the next week, or until I tell you different..." then laying down the law.

Truth be told, I'm amazed I made it 300 minutes.

I was dangerously close to having a "fuckitall" moment the very first night.

I wasn't convinced that I was going to go for my second session.

See, that's why Julie makes you pay in advance. It eliminates a LOT of excuses. I got over the "I'm not going back" stage of things quickly, though.

So here's the reality...

I'm four days shy of 10 months on this program. My anniversary date is 64 days away. At the rate I was losing at the beginning, I was certain I'd be done within a year.

Well, I'm not going to be done within a year. It's going to take longer.

But here's the thing: I'm still dropping weight. My clothes are still getting looser all the time. I'm going to the gym 4 times a week minimum.

But it took decades to do the damage. The fact that I've gotten this far in this expanse of time is remarkable.

OK, so I probably still won't have funnel cake at Knoebels this year. It's a bad idea anyway.

Maybe when August rolls around and we go back to Maine I'll have more wiggle room with the carbs (I feel like I deserve a few fried clams), but I'm not holding my breath waiting for that either. Fried clams are a bad idea too.

As I've said before, Julie would likely disagree with my refusal to make the carb and sugar thing a zero-sum game, but I feel like I deserve a hall pass on the once-a-year-can't-make-this-stuff-at-home treats and eventually I might take one every now and then.

But it isn't looking good for this summer. I will probably still be in the river until fall.

My conservative estimate now has me on maintenance around October. And if I go on maintenance in October it'll be another holiday season of meat and veggies because I'm not going straight from meat and veggies to pumpkin pie. It just flat out doesn't work that way.

And you know, if that happens - and it probably will - I'll survive.

I made it 300 days.

Just saying it leaves me completely in awe of what I've accomplished.

And it makes the notion of staying with this for as long as it takes bearable.

I've been too vocal and too visible to fail at this. I have to make it work.

And I have to finish what I started.

In the plus column, I'm pretty sure I'll fit on most of the rides at Six Flags now. We'll find out on April 12.